Making Unwanted but Needed Changes

In 21 days, it will be 6 months since my Mom passed away. Nothing of hers has been touched unless necessary. It is if time has stood still. Mom has calendars all over the house. Each month it was a ritual to go around and flip each one to the new month. Now, only 1 gets turned and it is to simply keep track of our dog's heart medication. If it wasn't for the need to track it, none of the calendars would be turned. Mom's last water bottle still sits on the kitchen counter. Her nightgown and call light are still in place on the bed, next to Dad. Yes, life has stood still without my mom.

But things begin to change, and the needs of others start to emerge. Our house and time schedule was set up to take care of Mom, then Dad, then the dog, and finally me. With Mom being gone, Dad has now taken priority. Along with that has come some changes. They were not changes that either one of us wanted to make but Dad needs things set up to help him as he continues, like raised toilet seats upstairs and downstairs. Surprisingly, I found a nice one on line.

So, today I surprised myself and him as I did a "honey do" project. I was not planning on it. I had talked with Dad before about doing it. I had just never had the time. But the weather has turned cooler here quite suddenly and my outdoor plans were not going to happen. So, I just did it.

Dad has been having bathroom accidents. The kind that takes a "clean up in Isle 2" approach but Isle 2 is usually the hallway or kitchen floor along with cleaning supplies and a change of clothing. Both the upstairs and downstairs bathrooms are filled with Mom's supplies for her bathroom accidents.

I had already placed some extra underwear for Dad in the downstairs bathroom. Now, it was time to add some walking shorts and cleaning supplies. I also did the same for the upstairs bathroom. Both bathrooms are small, so space was a challenge. How do you add your Dad’s clean underwear and walking shorts to an already-filled bathroom without touching your Mom’s stuff? Well, it was not easy.

I made some concessions and finally found room for Dad’s needs. During the process, I found myself partially cleaning out a small closet to put Dad’s underwear in. Inside that closet I found hemorrhoid suppositories from 2012. Yup, 2012, along with other expired items. I found a shampoo that was at least 15 years old and now being sold on E-Bay for $300. No, I did not try to sell it. As a nurse, I know chemicals change and it's not a good idea to buy very old chemical products. And other items. Most I tossed in a trash bag but there were several items I kept, simply because there were my Mom’s and I could not part with them just yet.

While I was at it, I tackled the area in front of Dad’s Chester drawers. Imagine if you can. An area stacked 3 feet high with t-shirts, shorts, underwear, and several layers of shoes and slippers all in front of a 5-foot-tall Chester drawers. The pile came out by about 3 feet. It made it impossible to get to one of the closets in his bedroom, much less use any of the clothing items without risking a fall.

On top of the drawer was a stack of papers, eyeglass cleaners, jewelry boxes for a man, and various other items, including four hats. On top of all that was a two-inch layer of dust. I went to work and began pulling all the clothing items off the floor and giving my Dad the assignment to figure out what fit and what did not. What he wanted to keep and what he wished to donate.

Meanwhile, I went to work on the top of the chest, sifting through scraps of papers, pocketknives, old aftershaves (most never opened), memorabilia from where he worked before he retired, and a variety of odds and ends. The majority of stuff went into the trash. I gave Dad some items to look through. He examined them and walked through memory lane. There were some items I did not let him look at, like a pic of Mom. I simply placed it in the keep pile and moved on.

It took hours and I was full of dust. So was the sweeper but I got it all cleaned off. I sorted Dad’s clothes out and made workable piles for him to choose from. Keeping in mind that this is just a small space and selection of clothes, I assembled it as best I could.

There was now a large space on the floor to safely walk, a bag of clothes for donation, and 2 bags of trash that resulted from this endeavor. I put his underwear in the bathroom closet as well as on top of the dresser and arranged other clothing on top of the dresser for a quick and easy grab. I swept the floor, and the job was done.

In the process, I found some interesting things. A gold chain he did not know he had. It’s now mine. Hey, I don’t always work for free. 😉 A charm necklace that said, “You’re one in a million,” which he never wore. I was young when I bought it. He preferred his Cincinnati Reds charm instead, something I also bought him. But the highlight of this adventure was in a small plain looking box. Inside it, I found a necklace pendant of the Ohio State Buckeyes. A large one. Never worn.

I showed it to him proudly. He didn’t seem to remember that I was cleaning out his stuff and thought it was mine at first. I had to remind him that I had bought this for him many years ago and he never wore it. He looked at it. A smile came to his face, and he promptly told me he would need another necklace to put this one on. Well, that is not going to be cheap. I should have just put it in my pocket. Just kidding. Well, maybe not. It’s a really nice pendant.

I asked Dad how he was handling everything I did and he said he was fine. The area looked nice and was functional for him. I told him that I was concerned that what I did might bother him and he explained to me that he was not allowing himself to think about it. If he allowed himself to think about it, it would get into his mind and he was not going to allow that to happen. I understand. Since this was Dad’s stuff, it was easier for me to sort through than even think about my Mom’s stuff. I need to do the same thing with my stuff. Downsize big time. I don’t want my Dad or my friends to have to go through my things. I need to purge badly.

I understand now why my grandparents had very few things in their house at the end of their lives. Funny, how everything begins to make sense after you go through the death of a parent. The thought of going through my Mom’s stuff is mortifying and I doubt it will happen for a long time. I will adjust what I need to for Dad’s sake but not much more. The world does take on a different view after a significant loss. What was once important is no longer. What is important is those who are in your life. Making sure they are safe and well cared for. Spending time and being present with someone. That is where the value of living becomes evident.

Peace

Caregiver 2.0